Soiled Virtue
by Jaelyn
Summary: What if things had gone differently in 'Seeing Red'? In Buffy's time of need Xander is alwasy right there for her (JUST READ IT...IT'S REALLY NOT BAD). X/B fic.
1. Chapter 1

OK… I don't NOT own these characters… though I wish I owned Xander :O)  
  
This fic is rate R for rape and other forms of violence. It begins just a recap of "Seeing Red"… only with a few modifications. Let me know what you think so far so I can continue.  
  
His face appears from the shadows of the dark hallway. He appears possessed and the tense muscles in his neck tighten, casting shadows over his skin when his eyes fall on her. Fists form at his side as he contemplates the situation.   
  
Buffy is bent over the bathtub, running her hand through the warm water. She places one hand on her lower back as she straightens up, moaning in pain. She turns to see him standing there, watching her from the ajar door. Her blonde hair is a mess from her fight with the trio only an hour earlier. She is sore and tired and he can tell just by looking. Her scent is sweet though… full of rage and exhaust. She is startled at the sight of him, flinching only a little. With hesitation, words finally escape his desiccated lips.  
  
"You hurt? You're not moving so well…" he calls quietly from his spot in the doorway.  
  
Buffy staggers slowly to the sink, not looking at him now,  
  
"Get out."  
  
Spike appears taken aback by her harness and hostility,  
  
"We have to talk" he bawls, pushing the door shut only a bit more behind him.  
  
She turns now, to look at him. Her expression is tired and she is still angry and distressed about her spy-cam video viewing not that long ago.  
  
"I really don't-"  
  
"Well this isn't just about you" he roars, slamming the door the rest of the way shut, "…as much as you'd like it to be."  
  
"You spoke, I listened… now leave," she states rather bitterly, entwining her arms across her chest in evident irritation.  
  
"I'm sorry. Not that it matters any more, but I needed you to know that" he declares in a softer, more caring tone.  
  
"Why?" she questions back, contemptuously.  
  
"Because I care about you".  
  
"Then you might want to try the not sleeping with my friends," she continues coldly.  
  
"I didn't go to Anya for that. I was looking for a spell" he reveals, regretting it almost immediately.  
  
Outraged by this declaration, Buffy barks back at him, "You were going to use a spell on me?!"  
  
Sighing exasperatedly, Spike replies to her fury, "It wasn't for you! I wanted something," he states hesitantly before continuing, "anything to make these feelings stop". Growing angrier by the second with her lack of understanding, he shouts at her, "I just wanted it to stop!"  
  
Buffy is taken aback by this outburst as Spike sighs in an attempt to calm himself.  
  
"You should've let him kill me…"  
  
Replying so softly that it is nearly a whisper, Buffy states "I couldn't do that".  
  
Buffy moves back toward the tub as he questions as to why she couldn't just let him die… why she just had to save him.  
  
"You know why" she states in an increasingly angry voice.  
  
"Because you love me".  
  
Bending over the tub again, in an attempt to excuse herself from looking him in the eye, Buffy replies in an annoyed, yet fatigued tone, "No. I don't".  
  
"Why do you keep lying to yourself?"  
  
Whirling around to face him once again, she yells back, "How many times-". She pauses to regain her composer, refusing to let him get her worked up again. Tonight she is just too tired. Calmer now she continues, "I have feelings for you. I do. But it's not love. I could never trust you enough for it to be love".  
  
Spike snickers at this belief. "Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy. Great love is wild ... and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes…"  
  
"…Until there's nothing left. Love like that doesn't last." she chimes in again.  
  
Beginning to pace now, he continues on, "I know you feel like I do. You don't have to hide it anymore."  
  
Buffy rolls her eyes at his egotistical words, "Spike, please stop this."  
  
Whispering in her ear now, " Let yourself feel it."  
  
  
  
He moves forward, placing his hands on her waist and pulling her toward him. She resists his gesture and fights.  
  
"No!" Her cries echo throughout the empty home.  
  
"You love me!"  
  
"Ow! No! Stop it!" the volume intensifies.   
  
  
  
They struggles one in the middle of the bathroom in the Summers' house. This can't be happening… and in the safety of her own home. Spike is strong and determined, trying to kiss and caress her as she tried, desperately to push him away. The sound of fabric ripping tears through the air as she begins to realize that she can't take him on… not now. She is hurt and exhausted and he is too determined. Spike slips his hand is inside of her flimsy, gray robe.  
  
  
  
"Spike, no - ow - what are you do-"  
  
  
  
She loses her balance and falls backward toward the tub. Her hand grabs the shower curtain for balance, but it rips off the steal rod and Buffy falls to the floor, hitting her back against the side of the smooth porcelain tub.  
  
  
  
"Ow!" she shouts louder than before, trying desperately to get back to her feet as she is more than defenseless with her back to the floor.   
  
She is groaning loudly in pain as Spike crawls on top of her, holding her down with her wrists bound together above her head. He grabs her face and tries to kiss her as she continues trying to fight him off.   
  
"Let it go. Let yourself love me."  
  
He continues saying similar things as Buffy continues pleading with him to stop. Spike pulls at her clothing, causing the thin robe to slip down just a little.   
  
Buffy gets onto her stomach and tries to pull herself toward the door, but Spike is on top of her, holding her down, pulling her arms away from the door as she continues yelling and protesting. Spike is wearing a determined and wild expression as he flips her to her back once again.  
  
Buffy is yelling in a sobbing voice now, "No, stop it!"  
  
"I know you felt it ... when I was inside you…" His large hand struggle, trying to open the robe that still covers her. The sound of fabric tearing slices through the air as Buffy sobs harder now.  
  
"You'll feel it again, Buffy…"  
  
"Please don't do this…"  
  
"I'm gonna make you feel it!"  
  
Once he is inside everything just goes blank to her. She can feel it… everything is over now. This is what her life has come to and this is what she has to live with. She is the slayer… it is a punishment that just keeps getting worse.  
  
She is crying loudly as his thrusts become less. Her eyes are closed now… she can't bare to look at him for another second. She moans in pain still, the cold tiles of the bathroom floor cool her back. Though the robe is beneath here, it is thin and does little to warms her. She feels him exit and then it's over… he is gone.  
  
She feels lost, still afraid to open her eyes. But, after many minutes, she stirs and props herself up just enough to cover her bruised body with her tattered robe. She hears the front door open at the foot of the stairs and then shut. Could it be him again? Is he back? She slinks backward to the shelter of the corner as she hears the footsteps bounding up the stairs in her direction. The door swings open from it's again-ajar position and Xander steps into the small and disarrayed room.   
  
Having seen the leather jacket on the banister at the foot of the stairs, Xander is furious. "This is what you call not seeing Spike anymo-" he pauses, surprised by the uncharacteristic disorganization of the room.   
  
He looks around slowly, allowing the mess to calculate into his head. His eyes fall on Buffy, huddled in the corner with a black and blue mark on her face, resting atop her cheek, just below her left eye.  
  
A million questions race through his mind at once, "What did he do? Did he hurt you?"   
  
Buffy just stares up at him, not moving. She looks away slowly as her eyes fall to the floor at his feet. She makes no movements… she does nothing… but begin to cry. The tears fall slowly at first and then faster as she brings her hands to cover her face in what appears, to Xander, to be shame and pain.  
  
"Son of a bitch" he says in a more irate voice than Buffy has ever heard escape him. As he turns on instinct to go find Spike, Buffy calls to him.  
  
  
  
"Stop." She hesitates before continuing, seeing that he is awaiting an explanation. "Don't… just, don't".  
  
He moves towards her, forgetting any anger her may have felt towards her for her flings with Spike. He kneels down beside her, placing a hand on her shoulder and then taking her into his embrace. He sits beside her, holding her and rocking slightly to sooth her sobs. His fingers smooth out her blonde locks, which have been violently rearranged.   
  
**********  
  
Within moments they are in the car. She now dressed in a pare of sweats and Xander's large leather jacket. She has managed to wrap herself up in the comfort of the familiar scent this insulation provides. When they pull into the hospital that find that it isn't quite as busy as one would usually find Sunnydale General to be. He helps her from the passenger side seat and guides her through the rotating doors. Once inside she immediately wants to leave. Buffy hates hospitals and doctors. They had told her that her mother would be alright and they had been wrong. She just couldn't bring herself to trust them again after the sudden tragedy she had faced.   
  
After filling out the required paper work they are led into a small room together, as she can't be alone… not now and now here. He sits beside her on the hospital bed with his arm around her, acting as a protective shell.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ok, what do you guys think? Should I continue? This was pretty much just a review of 'Seeing Red' with a few changes and additions. I have many ideas and would love to share this B/X fic with you guys if you want. 


	2. Chapter 2

OK… I do NOT own these characters… though I wish I owned Xander :O)  
  
This fic is rate R for rape and other forms of violence. It begins just as a recap of "Seeing Red"… only with a few modifications. Let me know what you think so far so I can continue.  
  
**********************************  
  
The doctor enters quietly, gazing down at her chart. A police office follows, pad of paper in hand. He is already jotting down information about her appearance. She stares into his chest rather than looking him in the eye. She is lost in her thoughts, her painful memories. She hasn't showered yet and all she can feel is filth.   
  
Xander's hand, which has been resting on her shoulder since the entered the room, begins caressing in a circular motion. She snaps back to the present and glances over at him. The officer begins with his questions… Who? When? Where? The questions seem to be jumbled into one. She can't remember all of the details. She can still feel him… feel everything he did, but she can't remember exactly what happened.  
  
The officer finishes with his questions and steps out into the hallway. She watches him leave, each step he takes. She is watching but not really paying attention. The doctor is talking but she doesn't hear him. She is still lost in reflection.  
  
Xander's arm slips away from her and she, again, is back. The doctor is telling her to lie back while he examines her. She stares in confusion at first and then obeys when Xander helps her, gently leads her back to the sterile, white sheets. He holds her hand in his, wishing he could acquire even just a touch of her pain. He turns his face away as the doctor begins his examination. Buffy's hold on him grows increasingly tense. He strokes the back of her hand with his thumb ever so gently. Xander hears a sigh so mild that it appears that the doctor didn't even hear it.  
  
He stares down at her, flaming hatred for Spike fuming inside of him. He wants nothing more than to make Spike feel the immense physical and emotional pain that Buffy is feeling. Her brow is furrowed as her lower lip disappears beneath the shelter of upper one.  
  
"You ok?" he asks her with a kind squeeze.  
  
She doesn't speak to him… she can't. She still can't bring herself to face the reality of this. Her head bobs in a tired, insecure fashion as the doctor is finished with his exam. She sits up immediately and feels Xander's warm touch on her back. Right now he is her only support… all she has to turn to.   
  
The doctor begins speaking now. She makes observations, memorizing the wisps of gray in his hair. His laugh lines are beginning to show permanently through age. His stomach swells slightly and his hands fall at his sides, the chart dangling in his left hand.  
  
Xander takes a seat back on the bed and Buffy feels the mattress reduce on her left side and she leans into him. His arm is around her again, comforting her, as she allows her weight to fall into him.  
  
The doctor's voice is deep and sympathetic as he speaks to her.  
  
"I'd like for you to stay the night to check for any internal injuries. The bruise on your back from the bathtub is pretty severe and I'd just like to be sure".  
  
Buffy hesitates at these words, not quite knowing how to respond. She doesn't want to spend another minute in this place, let alone the night. Her mouth hangs open as her eyes fall to the sheets in front of her. She doesn't want say that she's fine with this but she isn't quite ready to face her friends and sister yet either.  
  
Noticing her mental debate, the aging man speaks up again, "You're friend can stay with you if you'd like".  
  
Buffy rotates her head in Xander's direction, refraining from looking at him.  
  
"I… um…. I don't-"  
  
"Buffy, please… it's just to make sure you're ok. I'll stay with you… I want to".  
  
Now she looks over at him as he stares back with a mildly concerned expression. His hand has come to rest on her knee, where she now gazes down at, observing the hint of calices beginning on his finger tips from his hard days of construction work.  
  
"Sure… I guess," she utters finally, after a few long moments.  
  
"I'll have them bring in a bed for you soon," states the doctor as he turns and departs back out into the increasingly busy ER hallways.  
  
**************  
  
The chair at her bedside is soft and indented in the middle. It appears to be worn and old, full of heartache. His eyes shift from the tired old chair to Buffy's smooth, cream-colored skin. Her eyes are closed and breaths are coming slow and calm. He wonders what she is dreaming of and hopes this is her escape. He hopes, for her sake, that the haven of her dreams is enough to protect her from the hell and agony that is life.  
  
One hand is tucked under her cheek a she rests, while the other stares to him invitingly. He takes her hand in his and, for now, she is not the slayer. She is not a super hero that save the world everyday. She is not even stronger than him. Right now she is just his friend… who he loves.  
  
He brings his head forward to come to a rest on the small steal railing of her bed. Her hand is small and warm. Her skin is soft as her raises her hand to meet his lips. He is praying for her. Pray that she will recover from this and from the torture that comes with being the slayer.  
  
Xander has so many thoughts racing through his mind right then and is shocked when they collaborate and fall on Dawn. He had forgotten to call her and let her know that everything was fine. He hadn't even thought of what he would say… certainly not the truth. He had promised Buffy that he would keep her secret and he intended to keep his promise.  
  
As he lifted the phone in the hallway from it's handle he gathered his thoughts and decided on the simplest excuse.  
  
"Yeah, Dawnie? What are you still doing up? Get to bed!….  
  
Yeah, we're hunting this big, scary, demon-y thing…  
  
It's gonna be a while do just let Willow know and then get to bed, ok? Alight, G'night."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ok, what do you guys think? Should I continue? This was pretty much just a review of 'Seeing Red' with a few changes and additions. I have many ideas and would love to share this B/X fic with you guys if you want. 


End file.
